1) MARIAH CAREY

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Okay you’ve had your heyday. Now I’m not saying that you’re not young or anything like that but really.. you’ve had your prime. Now please MOVE ON. Honestly, no one’s gonna blame you if you move on to Adult Contemporary fully at this point of your career. Dammit you’re a LEGEND. THE FIVE-OCTAVE FAVE. THE “ELUSIVE CHANTEUSE” (subtle eyeroll). You don’t have to compete with all these pop singers/strippers HALF your age.

Or… you could consider a Vegas residency a la fellow “Vocal Trinity” member Celine Dion! That’ll work out, right Mimi?

Oh and another thing: American Idol was, frankly, beneath you. 

 

2) BEYONCÉ

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You’re not bossy. You’re the boss. We get it. No one’s complaining though, you’re the whole package! Triple Threat Beyoncé won’t settle for anything less than a 17-track visual album complete with exquisitely-shot clips for each. 

Part of me wants you to tone it down heavily and bring back some of that “Dangerously In Love”-era Bey; that light and fresh R&B that’s all been replaced by EDM today. But another part of me just wants you to continue with that Sasha Fierce diva-pop and just slay me with every single. 

Pfft you’re perfect, I guess.

3) SIA

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You weird. You do funny things on live TV but you sing good. You’re a badass songwriter. I like you. I like your anti-fame manifesto. Carry on. 

4) ARIANA GRANDE

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“Problem” was a tuuuuune! So what’s next? You gotta like, move on even though America radio isn’t ready to. You promised lots of collaborations with other artists on the next album so I’m really looking forward to that… How about releasing “Don’t Be Gone Too Long” now that duet partner Chris Brown is out of jail? That song sounds bomb as hell:

 

But between all the buzz from your Instagram posts about a space-themed music video shoot and your tweets with Zedd, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that the single you’ve done with the EDM boy wonder is coming up next. I’m real excited for this new direction in your music but I think it’s fair enough to bring back this tweet from powerhouse Kelly Clarkson:


Don’t fall into that trap, alright?


5) RIHANNA

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It sure didn’t feel like a November without a Rihanna album release last year! 

I really hope you’ve taken this year off to regroup from the MESS that was the past two records, “Talk That Talk” and “Unapologetic”. Sure, they spawned some pretty sick tunes among them like “Where Have You Been”, “Diamonds”, “Stay”, and the near-iconic “We Found Love”, but honestly that’s not enough to buoy two full albums. The other songs were unapologetically store-bought from a legion of songwriters and frankly, they were weak and lazy.

Maybe it’s time to drop the whole dancefloor/house act and go back to R&B or even Reggae? Personally, I found the Caribbean flavours offered in “Man Down” and “No Love Allowed” to be amazingly convincing. Why not do that?

But then again, you’re Rihanna. You wouldn’t give a shit what others think. 

6) MILEY CYRUS

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We’ve seen too much of you last year. Go take a break and as many revealing Instagram selfies as you want. Go on. Shoo.


7) IGGY AZALEA

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First things first, you are gorgeous. You dropped “Fancy” and let the whole world feel it. Girl, you’re on fire. Everything you touch right now is turning to GOLD! You’re holding both the No. 1 and No. 2 spots on Billboard (with “Fancy” and “Problem”, respectively), all while dropping new music almost every other week! How?!

My advice for you is to stagger out your success for now. The whole world is obsessed with you but that could be fleeting because fellow rap goddess Nicki Minaj is quietly raring to go with her third album “The Pink Print”. You don’t want to run out of fresh content before Ms. Barbz returns, do you?

If you play your cards right with the release of “Black Widow” featuring Rita Ora, both of you rap princesses might just make it out of 2014 alive without descending into a messy mound of angry diss tracks.


8) J.LO

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Um. 

You’re proving that you can twerk (for real):


You’re probably Pitbull‘s best/only friend in the music biz. But, of course, you’d love to work with him after you two got lucky with “On The Floor”.


But why are you still lip-syncing? Ugh. I cannot respect you for that. 


The latest album, A.K.A., is mainly an autotuned mess (save for the stripped-down “Emotions”, which was penned by Chris Brown!) but you’re a pretty face so you’ll definitely survive this. You might even be able to transform this era into a high point in your career!

But would you still be able to pull off back-breaking choreography ten years down the road? Now that you’ve emerged triumphant as one of the few singer-actresses who actually crossed over and survived, why not consider a return to the big screen?

Or worse… American Idol?

 

Image Credits:

SOJO1049 TickPick Billboard Idolator Boomsbeat Hvngry Billboard