Let’s get real. Really real. Being gay is horrible.

After enduring months of #prideweek, a strict unicorn rainbow-layered cake diet, and ripping the flimsy colourful excuse of a flag after accidentally consuming too much cranberry vodka at Herstory, perhaps it is time to explain why being gay isn’t all gay. In fact, with Pink Dot 2017 just around the corner, I feel the same jumble of pressure and trepidation in my stomach, akin to the time when my ex-girlfriend told me she was buying an air fryer for us… right after we got a toaster. A girl can only handle so many electronics in her life.

Photo credit: glass-cases

Photo credit: glass-cases

So you want to be a homosexual in Singapore? Get ready for these absolutely horrendous, almost offensive, and definitely nasty consequences to come knocking on your front door.

Weight gain is inevitable.

When two people understand the other’s gender mechanics, all there is left to do is pick places to eat, challenge each other’s food preferences, and bask in the silence of mutual close-mouth chewing. Fighting would be an insult, not only to our partners, but to ourselves. You’ve got PMS? No worries, I’ve got PMS too. Let’s get hamburgers.

Vital possessions go missing and will never be recovered.

There are cases where heterosexual people get heterosexual stuff stolen, like money, Rolex watches, and sugar. That’s really unfortunate, but at least you get to witness these items leaving you. Homosexual people lose their unseen paraphernalia everyday, quietly, quickly, whisked away by ungrateful creatures of stealth. You lost your watch again? At least she left your underwear alone.

Trying to date a new person is like trying to find a new series on Netflix to watch.

Either you’ve seen everything, or Netflix is always trying to recommend you something too similar to the last sitcom you’ve watched, so what’s the point? In order to find a really good show to invest your time in, you often need to go outside of the network, but that also means no subtitles, ghastly screen resolutions, and the possibility of foreign viruses.

Hysteria and delusions are common experiences.

On the rare occasions that a lesbian actually parts with the sanctity of her apartment, her senses will naturally be heighten to sniff out other lesbians because they are friends. Everyone in the community are friends, including Ruby Rose and Ellen. This means a huge amount of time is divided between relating to every suggestive friendship between two attractive females on-screen, while deciphering cryptic messages from girls who are “not sure”.

No one recognises you for what you are.

With all these talk about how dangerous it is to be a homosexual, the reality is quite disappointing. Discounting the monthly events where you get wrecked and celebrate drink with the rest of the community, you’ll probably get a job, find a partner, and own three dogs. You are stuck with the appearance of a normal person, who finds another normal person to love, and do various mundane things together, like wait for your heads to burst into two so that homosexuality can be truly embodied by the flesh.

I know, it is terrible. Much better to stay away, and bring your own mat to Pink Dot tomorrow so that we can all celebrate how much it pains us to be exactly who we are.

==

Cover photo from Pink Dot SG Facebook

Keep culture journalism alive, at just the price of a kopi. For a little bit more, get access to exclusives and a monthly gift box. Support us at patreon.com/popspoken

Stay updated and social with Popspoken: Facebook | Twitter | Instagram