DISCLAIMER: Crashing concerts, i.e. trespassing IS ILLEGAL. This article is for humor purposes ONLY and neither the writer nor POPSPOKEN will be liable for any injuries or criminal charges that may arise from carrying out these so-called ‘tips’. You have been warned.

If you enjoy going to concerts as much as I do, you’re probably frustrated that although the awesome acts coming to grace Singapore’s sunny shores this year have been increasing, your allowance has not. Just look at some of the incredible artistes that had performed in Singapore in the past four months alone. We have The Script, Justin Bieber, Maroon 5, Asking Alexandria, Slash, The Stone Temple Pilots, Jimmy Eat World, Iron Maiden, the Temper Trap, Foals…the list goes on.

They’re probably using 50-dollar notes as toilet paper now.

And the months ahead are only going to get worse. Awesome performances from artistes such as A Day To Remember, Two Door Cinema Club, Avril Lavigne, Mayday Parade, Alesana, Linkin Park and Paramore will be rocking our nights for the months to come. That is, if we have the money to see them.

With that meager five dollars per hour you make, you probably won’t have enough money to watch every single one of these performances, even though I know you want to.

I have with me the solution to your pain. Here it is. You ready?

Try getting into some of those concerts without buying a ticket.

It’s a simple solution to your problems, really. And here are a few tips on how to accomplish this:

Crowds are your best friend

Musicians are sexy. It’s a well-known social fact. Give any guy on the street a guitar, teach him a few chords and some sing-a-long-able pop songs to play on it, and he will get laid within the week.

If you are as tone-deaf as the producers in Ark Music Factory and have less rhythm sense than a masturbating monkey, then you’re probably well aware and extremely bitter of this sad fact of life. The good news is, you can exploit this (the fact that musicians are sexy, that is) to your own diabolical uses when it comes to crashing concerts.

You see, because musicians are sexy people, you can bet your bottom dollar that every concert you go to will be filled with a horde of rabid, mindless fans that want nothing but to have a glimpse of their idol/s in the flesh.

“How does this help me get into a concert for free?” you ask. Geez, do I have to spell everything out for you people?

Imagine that you are a bouncer in, say, a Justin Bieber concert. When the time finally comes for the doors to be opened and the audience to be let in, all you will see are hundreds and hundreds of people like this:

What person, I ask, in their right mind, would want too much time near a monstrosity like this? If you were the bouncer, you won’t stick around to check if he or she actually has a ticket. Hell, you’d be glad to come out alive, unscathed from bites, punches or kicks from a pack of these screaming lunatics.

Your job as a concert crasher is to blend in with the lunatics. Be one with the herd. Wear a ‘I LOVE ____’ (fill in the blanks with the name of whatever artiste is performing at this concert). Hell, tattoo their names on your face. Those cowardly bouncers won’t dare lay a finger on you, lest said finger be bitten off and spit back at their face.

A Good Deal

If you aren’t fond of the gung-ho approach, you can take it slow. Buy some snacks and set up camp near the entrance to the concert. Look as miserable, depressed and suicidal as you possibly can.

I can assure you that in time, some kind soul will come along and say something like this:

“Hey my friend/girlfriend/boyfriend/mom/dad/spoilt 16 year old brat couldn’t make it today and I still have his/her/its ticket/s. Would you like me to sell it/them to you at a ridiculously low price?”

It is now time to let the kiasu auntie in you shine. BARGAIN. Lower the offered price down by half. See if he or she walks away. If he or she does, run to him/her and offer to raise the price by ten dollars until the two of you reach a compromise.

Now complete the transaction, and walk away smugly, knowing that every single fool in the vicinity has paid full price for their tickets while you haven’t.

Girl Power

Most bouncers at concerts are huge, tough-looking men. It is common sense why. When there are people who are more than happy to carve Justin Bieber’s name on their arms turning up at the entrance of a concert trying to get in for free, you’d need the toughest of the tough to drag them out.

Your typical bouncer looks like this:

The male readers here will probably find no chinks in the typical bouncer’s armor. Bouncers are trained to eat people like us for breakfast so none of us stand any chance.

The female readers here however, have two things going for them.

Almost every single man on the planet wants a nice girl who he can bring home to the parents, to buy a nice house with, to raise to children with, to grow old with, and to fetch him beer while he is busy watching the EPL.

Your job as a female concert crasher is to be that girl. Or at least, show the bouncers that you could be that girl. Dress appropriately for the occasion. Slut up!

If that doesn’t work you can always do what most girls do in desperate situations. Turn on the waterworks. It is somehow imprinted in the male consciousness that the worst thing one could ever do is make a girl cry, so make use of that.

So now that you know what to do, go forth and cheat your favorite artistes out of their hard-earned money!